


london boy

by kimsunggyu



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten - Freeform, Kim Sunggyu/Nam Woohyun - Freeform, LDR, M/M, a lot of taylor swift references, dongwoo and sunggyu are doyoung's emotional support boys, doyoung is a swiftie, im terrible at tagging, it’s doyu if that’s not implied yet, jaehyun is the devil, might have a slightly bullying implication, oh right this is inspired by taylor swift’s album lover, theres underage drinking for usa only bc they’re 18, there’s a bit of angst, there’s fluff ig, they obviously end up in london at some point, theyre both rich, they’re super gay, yuta is super flirty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25001737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimsunggyu/pseuds/kimsunggyu
Summary: — Do you really think we can do this?— We survived five years apart of each other. — He hums, like he wasn’t just telling that to his boyfriend, but also to himself. — I think we might just get away with it.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	london boy

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO this is a fic inspired by taylor swift’s album “lover” (but mostly miss americana and the heartbreak prince, cornelia street, lover, i think he knows, cruel summer, london boy, false god and daylight [sort of in this exact order]), this is kind of the first fic i write in english in a Very Long Time and even though my two friends (big thanks to them for helping me with this, anna for encouraging me to actually write it and may for not letting me give up and helping me with this cursed website) said “you’re doing amazing sweetie”, don’t get your hopes up also lol there’s probably a lot of mistakes/misspellings (no beta) so i’m sorry in advance!!  
> anyways! hope u enjoy <3 im @artdoyu on twitter

Kim Doyoung was like a king. Everyone at school adored him, they would always try to get his attention, randomly give him gifts, try to be friends with him, want to date him. And Doyoung absolutely loved all of that. New York was just that kind of place, the type people would get famous for the most ridiculous and minimal things, and in his case that would probably be a whole package: his face, his money, the guy he dated, his family, his house, his Instagram, or basically, his perfect life. Or that was what everyone seemed to think, because Doyoung actually struggled a lot whenever he wasn’t surrounded by other people. The feeling of emptiness was constant, the endless fights about how shitty his parents were — and how they obviously didn’t care at all about their son, only wanting to have him around when they needed him to maintain the _perfect family_ image. — as well. He wasn’t in love with his boyfriend and they both were aware of that, — their relationship was literally a way they both could get more attention from people. — he didn’t have any real friends and everything he posted online was a lie. _His life was a lie_. Sometimes he’d believe his own existence was a lie — thought constantly supported by the feeling of emptiness. — and he would do absolutely _anything_ he could just so he could try to _feel something_. But, as expected, one day it all crashed down.

Doyoung always knew Jaehyun was selfish, he never judged him for that, — he was the same, after all. — but he never imagined he could be _that_ selfish. In the morning of that day he received a text from him saying “ _Let’s break up, things are just too boring._ ” and literally laughed out loud thinking of everything he was going to say in the video he would post on his Instagram, with Jaehyun by his side, while they announced their breakup. It was stupid, but that would definitely agitate things a bit. Well, that was what he was thinking until he read all the following notifications that were blowing up his phone. As far as he understood, an anonymous account on Twitter made a huge exposed and the target? Exactly, _him_. They were accusing him of cheating on Jaehyun, — which wasn’t entirely true, since they agreed they could hook up with anyone they wanted to, since that WASN’T a real relationship. — they exposed some things his parents would do that really would get into his nerves, — ok, that was way too personal, completely unnecessary. — ending it exposing Doyoung himself and the multiple things he’d do in his lonely moments; — yeah, he wasn’t proud of that either, but like, _what the actual fuck?_ — that whole thread made him get to two possible conclusions: First, he had a stalker. Second, he didn’t have any friends, which means he didn’t open up about his feelings to absolutely anyone… except for one person… — who just happened to be there and didn’t seem to be ever opening his mouth about his rant, because who the fuck was him to judge Doyoung, right? Well… _Wrong_. — and that was Jaehyun. It all made sense inside his head, — probably because he was right. — Jaehyun wanted a reason to end their relationship, Jaehyun wanted more positive attention, Jaehyun wanted to make sure he would be the only boy in that whole fucking school getting special treatment. Jaehyun means “ _devil_ ” in some language, he was sure of that.

That was it, his life was officially _ruined_. There wasn’t going to have any more titles as king during prom, no more gifts, no more sweet smiles, no more stupid favours, no more attention. Now he was literally worse than a regular guy in a public school in New York during high school, he was a loser in a public school in New York during high school. And if before that he thought he was in hell, just imagine how he got when he had to deactivate his Instagram because he kept losing followers and receiving mean comments under every single one of his posts. The only good thing about all of that was the fact he could now listen to “reputation” by Taylor Swift and relate to most of the lyrics of it. Suddenly, the reason why everyone would stop what they’re doing to look at him when he’d walk to his locker was _different,_ there weren’t any loving whispers anymore, just people laughing, calling him gross and telling him he should be ashamed of lying about _pretty much everything_ of his life, like they all didn’t do the same or even worse than him. He didn’t care about any of that, God, he’d love to be able to actually _care_ about something, he’d thank Jaehyun, kneel down and kiss his feet if he actually did some shit that could make him feel something; but since that wasn’t the case, it was just annoying. That whole situation helped him discover he actually enjoyed a lot being alone, silence became something very precious to him so whenever he had an opportunity to enjoy that he’d do it; and what made it possible for him to realise that was discovering how irritating it was to just sit there and try to enjoy your lunch in peace, but not being capable of doing that because he’d always have someone saying some shit near him, — and honestly, who wouldn’t lose their appetite with something like that? — basically forcing him to look for empty places so he could finally have peace, but somehow someone would always find him; so initially he ended up having lunch inside of a bathroom cubicle for an entire month, — yeah, deplorable, I know — until one day someone found out that’s the place he was minding his business, having his own time and they, once again, ruined that for him. All of that and he couldn’t even get pissed, it’s like nothing mattered anymore — or maybe things didn’t matter for a long time now — and it only made him get angry at himself for being like that, because he honestly couldn’t tell what was worse: being able to feel something and just lay down and cry or being like he already was, in an endless feeling of agony. Doyoung never considered himself the type of person who knows how to deal with feelings, so he just got sulky and tried to find a new place to spend his lunch break. But the day that really changed his life was the one he decided to ditch his classes from the afternoon period and just wander around the town, until he got near the woods and found someone sitting by the curb, distracted with his own thoughts, the bottle beside him and whatever was the thing he was smoking. 

Nakamoto Yuta was the complete — or maybe not that much. — opposite of Doyoung. He went to a private school, his parents worried too much about his education him and made sure the only priority he’d ever have would be his studies. They didn’t like it when he talked to other people of his age because they’re going to “ruin him”, they didn’t like the idea of letting him have a phone because that would “ruin his brain” and they didn’t like when he did anything else that didn’t involve study books because, check this out, doing that would “ruin his process of learning things that really matter”. The fact he had the classical “ _if you approach me, it’s very likely I’m going to stab you three times_ ” face didn’t help him at all and if added to the fact he was actually a shy person, that would explain how, just like the other boy, he also didn’t have any friends. He was grateful for his parents concerns about his future, but he hated them for taking away from him the time of his life he should be enjoying. Instead of happiness, his adolescence only got him too many worries, a heavy anxiety and a lot of stress, which he’d try to relieve doing exactly what he was doing when he first met Doyoung, also ditching classes, — most of his teachers were aware of how his family was, so they didn’t bother to let him miss it without a warning, since that was indirectly helping him to not end up going insane. — drinking and smoking.

He’d say his life sucks, but he’d always tell himself to stop thinking like that because his parents would definitely say that’s just him being hella ungrateful for everything they’ve done for him. But yeah, it was lonely. Not that he ever knew how having something important and then losing it felt like to actually understand what absence meant, but after watching a worrying amount of drama movies, — hidden from his parents, obviously. — he thought he knew enough about feelings to describe how _feeling lonely_ felt like. All the friendships he made when he was a child would suddenly be out of his life, — back then he had no idea it was exclusively his parents’ fault, which made him believe the problem was actually _him_. — so he figured it wasn’t worthy to keep trying, since in less of a month he’d end up alone again. In that specific day he didn’t do much and it was mostly what he was used to do in his regular routine, except for maybe changing the spot he usually stayed to somewhere more close to the woods, a very small and simple thing if you put it in a bigger picture, but just like the butterfly effect says, a single flap of butterfly’s wings can be instrumental in generating a tornado; and that was exactly what happened, if he didn’t do that it was very likely he would have never even met Doyoung. The Yuta from a few months ahead of them never thought he would ever be grateful for feeling extra stressed about his life, but damn, look what that brought to him, how was he supposed to not appreciate that?

First he got his attention to the bottle of wine, secondly, to the smoke next to it and only then he actually cared to look at the face of the boy sitting there. It’s not like Doyoung knew everyone from his school to know that guy wasn’t from the same institution as him, but unlike himself, the other one wasn’t wearing casual clothes, but an expensive uniform: navy blue jacket, which he left hanging on his shoulders, and pants, a white shirt with collar, buttons and long sleeves. “ _He’s probably stingy_ ”, he thought with himself, but still kept walking to his direction in slow steps, until he was standing in front of him, eyes fixed on his dark brown hair. The boy finally seemed to be aware of his presence and started to stare at him with a frown in his face, a silent “ _What the fuck do you want_ ?”, Doyoung presumed. And yes, maybe he looked expensive, but the look inside his dark brown eyes was trying to tell him something else. _Probably that he was pissed and wanted him to leave._

— Can I have one? And a sip, maybe? — He says, ignoring the ugly stare he was receiving.

— Do I know you? — That was definitely a “no”.

— No, I just thought we could be we-are-ditching-our-classes buddies. 

— Who said I’m ditching my classes?

— I know your school, I’m pretty sure everyone is having classes right now.

— You wanna smoke a fag? — He asks after staring at Doyoung for a long time without saying anything.

— Dude? No? I want to distress, not to get even more stressed. I don’t wanna kill anyone. — His eyes got wide. — Wait, are you homophobic? Because I’m gay, but if you try to do anything to me I’m gonna start screaming.

Yuta grinned.

— Stop doing that, you’re scaring me.

He kept staring at him in silence, keeping his grin just waiting to see his next reaction.

— Are you planning to tell me if I’m gonna need to dial 991 or…?

— Smoke a cigarette.

— Is that an order?

— “Smoke a fag” means “smoke a cigarette” in England.

— You did this on purpose, didn’t you? — Doyoung looked outraged.

— Maybe. — Another grin.

— Dude, can I have one or not?

Yuta offers him his cigarette pack and moves the bottle of wine, silently inviting him to sit there, which Doyoung did, but trying to keep a certain distance between them. Yuta’s main goal was to get some silence and time on his own, but weirdly, the way Doyoung wouldn’t shut up for absolutely nothing in this world didn’t seem to bother him that much. When they said “goodbye” that day they actually didn’t say anything, Yuta simply checked the time on the watch around his wrist, looked at Doyoung, said “gotta go” and walked away without even waiting for an answer. And although they didn’t say anything about ever meeting each other again, in the next day Doyoung got there half an hour earlier, hoping he would be there, just so they could talk — read it as Doyoung talking and Yuta listening. — a bit more. And there he was, doing the exact same thing as the day before, making it eventually become some kind of weird routine for them. Doyoung even started to have his lunch right there by the curb while he’d wait for Yuta, who eventually also started to do the same. Initially, Yuta didn’t talk much, just answering Doyoung when the latter asked him a question or demanded something more than a simple nod. Yuta’s smiles — and grins — became not only more regular, but also slowly turned into giggles and, furthermore, long laughs; Doyoung couldn’t tell why, but he knew he liked the sound of that way more than he should. Despite it all, they didn’t really talk about their lives, so Yuta knew random things, like Doyoung’s favorite color, — blue. — his favorite artist — Taylor Swift. — and how he hated bell pepper, but he had no idea about why he’d rather to spend his entire afternoon with him instead of being with his friends or just chilling at home, or that at least until the day he finally decided to ask something about it, which was approximately a bit more than a month after they first met.

— Doyoung, can I ask you something? — He takes the bottle Doyoung was handing to him.

— We both know who’s smarter between the two of us. — Yuta raises his eyebrows, slightly irritated.

— I really wanna smoke a fag right now.

— …Then do?

— USA meaning. You. — He kicks his ankle and Doyoung grumbles. — You don’t have to answer me, but like, why would you come here? Not why you keep coming, but why you came in first place.

— You really don’t know me, do you?

 **—** Should I?

— Everyone in this city with a phone knows.

— Well, I don’t have one. — Yuta said, simply.

— What do you mean you don’t have a phone? — He looked outraged.

— Why do you think I walk around with a watch?

— Man, we really barely know each other, I thought that was just you showing off.

— We both know I’m not like that. — He seemed offended. — But yeah, I guess we don’t, so I don’t blame your assumption.

 **—** I am.

— You are what?

— Like that. Was. I don’t know anymore.

— Oh. — He seemed to be selecting carefully his next words. — Is this related to what I asked you? Because if it is we can just change the topic.

— No, it’s okay. If you’re gonna be upset at me, then it’s better if you feel like that now than later when we would have a meaningful friendship. Let’s just save you from disappointment! — He turned his body to face Yuta and hugged his legs, thinking of how he should start his story. While he did that, the other one kept thinking about the words he said, “meaningful friendship”, Doyoung was really planning to become his friend. He actually _wanted_ that. — …So yeah, they made an entire thread on Twitter kind of exposing me and telling everyone those things. Jaehyun did. Probably. Definitely.

— So you’re telling me people were judging you for living your life? Like, they’re judging you because your life isn’t exactly what you showed them in your feed on Instagram?

— Yeah, dude… I know I messed up… like Taylor would say, my reputation has never been worse so you must like me for me, or hate me for me, I don’t know your thoughts yet.

— Dude, I’m not gonna judge you for going crazy, I actually wish I had the guts to do the things you have done, and you’re not responsible for the things your parents do, really, believe me, I know a lot about that.

— I had my reasons to do it, you know? I just have this terrible feeling of emptiness inside of me and I keep feeling apathetic most of the time, so I don’t know, guess I was just trying to see if something would help me.

— And did anything help?

— You. — He smirks.

— Who would’ve thought all it’d take for you to feel better would be an unknown young man asking you if you’d like to kill a homosexual… Wow, I’m speechless.

— I know, right? If I knew that I’d have done it a long time ago. — They both end up laughing. — And what’s your story, if I may ask?

— Wait a minute… — Yuta checks his Apple Watch. — Can we do that tomorrow? We don’t have much time.

— I could walk you home, you know.

— You can’t. Because of what I’m gonna tell you tomorrow. — Doyoung smiles. — What?

— No homo, but you look hella cute when it’s almost time to go home, because you keep “discretely” checking your watch and making disappointed expressions when we’re running out of time.

— You should’ve said “no homo” at the end, my memory isn’t that great so I forgot everything you ever said after you called me “hella cute”. — He was the one smirking now.

— So you don’t have time to tell me your story but you do have time to flirt?

— Priorities, I guess.

In the next day Yuta did tell Doyoung about his situation with his parents and the way his friend reacted to how his parents treated him was truly worth of memorising: first he listened to everything with a enormous frown in his face and when Yuta finally finished telling, he got up and started to walk in circles mumbling how stupid they were, that he wasn’t a machine, that he deserved to have a life and then he tripped — they were drinking, he was already tipsy and kept walking around with a fast pace, the result of that was pretty predictable. — and fell flat on the sidewalk cement, staying still in that position. Yuta didn’t know if he should laugh or check if he was okay, so he did both things at the same time.

— Are you okay?

— No. — His voice was muffled because he was still facing the ground. — My forehead hurts.

— Doyoung. — He was trying to stop himself from laughing. — Get up, let me see your face.

When he finally drops the stubborn act, he sits by the curb with his head down and covers his eyes, cheeks, nose and forehead with his hands, until Yuta delicately removes both and starts to hold his face, checking the bruises he got after acting cutely stupidly. It wasn’t much, there was a tiny amount of blood on the tip and the bridge of his nose and the situation was a little bit worse with his forehead. Yuta smiles as he sees Doyoung pressing his eyes shut, like he was in immeasurable pain. _He was so freaking dramatic_.

— Come on, let’s get you to a drugstore.

— A hospital would be better.

— I’m pretty sure a couple of bandaids will manage to do an amazing job.

— Yuta, I’m dying. — He looked dead serious.

— Doyoung, you’re not dying. I won’t ever let my we-are-ditching-our-classes buddy die.

— You remember the name. — His eyes were shining.

— It was really stupid, how was I supposed to forget that?

— Suddenly my face isn’t the only thing that stings right now. You just crushed my heart.

 **—** Stop being dramatic, if you want me to take care of you _that_ bad then just say it. — He jokes.

— Ok Yuta, I want you to take care of me. — He seemed to be serious about that, which made Yuta speechless for a couple of seconds.

— Then we need to visit the drugstore first. — Doyoung rolls his eyes. — Come on, I’ll let you hold my hand if you’re really that scared. — And surprisingly, or not that much, that’s all it took to have him on his feet right in the next second, a satisfied smile on his lips.

Starting from that day, they started to open up about their feelings to each other every time they felt the need of doing it. Both of them knew they would never judge themselves, the bond they slowly created was the reason behind that, it was what brought them together, what made them so different but at the same time so alike; they were now used to tell each absolutely _everything_. And that wasn’t the only thing they started to do with a high frequency after telling each other their stories, another type of stuff they seemed to invest a lot was _flirting_. They started it being subtle, but as the days and weeks passed by, it only got less discreet and way more brazen, aggressive. The day things changed for real was on a Friday, around three months and half after their first encounter. Doyoung was convinced by Yuta in the previous day to dye his hair blue, his favorite color, which Doyoung refused right away, but after a very long discussion they agreed he should keep his hair black and just add blue highlights, which he did, and when Yuta saw him coming to his direction that day, the only thing in his mind was how fucking _gorgeous_ he looked with his plain black t-shirt, ripped black trousers and his smudged eyeliner — probably because he walked fast and since it was pretty hot, (the day, not Doyoung, although, yes, he was hot as fuck) it probably got like that because he sweat a bit.

— So? — It was the first thing Doyoung said when he got close enough for Yuta to be able to hear him.

— You never looked as hot as you do now. _Full homo_. — Doyoung answered him with a nervous laugh (I mean, they did tell each other everything, but Yuta kind of took it too far because he was aware Doyoung was super gay for him). — Too much?

— You caught me off guard.

 _— You_ caught me off guard, have you seen yourself? — Another nervous laugh.

— Don’t threaten me with a good time!

— Someday all of these british terms are gonna take us to England.

— God, no. I like the sun, I don’t want to live in a place that rains every single day of my life, it already is tragic enough.

— That’s London, not the entire England.

 **—** You got me. — He gets sulky and Yuta can’t stop himself from smiling at that.

— Come here, I wanna give you a hug.

— No way, I’m all sweaty. I don’t wanna ruin your uniform.

— It might be hard to tell but I do feel more affection for you than to my uniform. — He makes Doyoung drop his past expression and let out a melodic laugh.

— Are you sure? I mean, that’s a pretty nice uniform.

— Well, it is, but I never felt like kissing it, so I’m guessing it is a loser and you’re the real winner. — Doyoung, who was calmly drinking water from his water bottle simply chokes after hearing his commentary, while Yuta only keeps laughing. — Ok, sorry. Now it really was too much.

— No shit, Sherlock! I could’ve died! — Doyoung’s face was red and it wasn’t really easy to tell if it was like that because he just choked, because he was mad, because he was flustered or all of these at once.

— You didn’t tell me your thoughts on why you’re more important than my uniform, though.

— That’s because I’m thinking about what Taylor Swift would do if she was in this situation and now that I have the answer I’m not sure if it really is my most rational option.

— Sometimes it’s good to be irrational.

— You make me confused.

— Excuse me?

— Because you keep flirting and… _I don’t know_. You talk too much and do nothing.

— I’m sorry? Do you want me to do something?

 _— Maybe_. — He mumbles and Yuta laughs.

— Come here, then, because I’m definitely not getting up. I sat on my leg so… _cramps_. — Doyoung wanted to laugh, but he was afraid it would ruin the moment, so he tried his best to contain himself and just went to sit beside his friend.

— And what are you going to do to me, sir?

 _— Smoke a fag_. — Doyoung looks at him confused. — With kisses, if I’m allowed.

— In that case I’d say you are.

So they kiss. And Doyoung feels like screaming, but he stops himself because if he actually did that he would have to let go of Yuta’s lips and that was like, the _last_ possible thing he wanted to do in that moment. It was quite obvious they were both waiting for the right moment to try that for a while now, but Doyoung was basically a coward — and maybe the fact he got betrayed a few months ago left some scars in his soul. — and he didn’t have the guts to make the first move, while Yuta thought Doyoung wasn’t ready for that. And maybe if it was about any other person, he really wouldn’t be, but that was literally Yuta, the — _only_. — person he most cared about in the world, he’d always feel comfortable around him. For Yuta, Doyoung was _happiness_. For Doyoung, Yuta was _home_. And they silently promised to each other they’d never let anything or anyone ever separate them, although that was exactly what happened a few months ahead of that day.

They kept their thing going for several weeks. Yuta was extra clingy, which was a big surprise since between the two of them he was the one who seemed to have more difficulty in expressing what he was feeling, — he was, like, super duper introverted. — but apparently his problem was more focused on talking than acting itself, and although Doyoung wasn’t really a fan of touching, he didn’t seem to mind — he was actually more than satisfied. — having Yuta back-hugging him whenever they were together, which was basically every afternoon of the five business days in a week for several hours. It was pretty hard to deal with the fact they couldn’t visit places together because someone who knew Yuta’s parents could see him outside school and tell them right away, but they tried their best to not let that bother them, which meant Doyoung basically telling himself they just needed to wait until the end of the school year to go on actual dates and Yuta trying to think positive, hoping his parents would actually allow him to have freedom after he finished high school. It was not like they were a couple, but they did act like one and both were pretty sure there were feelings involved in whatever was the thing they had. They had been hooking up for a bit more than a month when, unfortunately, they decided to talk about two different matters in the same day. Yuta was there first, so when he saw Doyoung coming to him with a wide smile in his face and, consequently, his heart skipping several beats with that, he felt completely discouraged to simply throw at him the information he heard in that morning.

— Your face looks weird. — Doyoung left a kiss on the top of his head. — Missing me that much? — Yuta did his best to give him a good reaction, but didn’t manage to show anything more than a forced smile.

— I just have something to tell you and that’s making me anxious.

— Oh, I need to tell you something too. Actually, more like two things and not just tell, but ask as well. — He holds Yuta’s face with both of his hands. — You first, tell me what’s making you that blue.

— Are you sure?

— Yeah, it might be my favorite color, but I don’t really like to see it on you. At least, not like this. — He jokes, trying to make the mood a little bit lighter. He realises Yuta takes a deep breath before starting.

— My parents only want me to go to one of the colleges I applied for in England, you?

— I was going to ask if you’d like to go with me to prom, because it’ll be a few days after school ends… but… uh… never mind, I guess.

— Uhm… — He didn’t seem to know what to say. — And what were you going to tell me?

— That I like you. Boyfriend like. 

— Oh. Me too. — He didn’t realise he was crying until he felt Doyoung wiping his tears away. — I like you too.

— I don’t want you to go. — Doyoung hugs him, now crying as well.

Yes, it probably was something very egoistic to say. But again, Doyoung was selfish. He never tried to hide that.

— I don’t want to go either. — He confesses, tightening their hug. 

— What’s so good about England? I hate England. Even their steering wheel is in the wrong side. I hate that. I hate everything about this country.

— I want to be there. — Yuta suddenly says after a brief silence.

— You wanna be in England?

— No, I wanna be at your prom. I’m gonna be at your prom. — He speaks confidently. — I won’t let them take away from me the chance of taking you on a real date. — He hugs him even tighter. — And I wanna be your boyfriend. I don’t care if we only have less than five months to be together.

— I wanna be your boyfriend too. — He cries even harder.

It was hard. Harder than they ever thought it would be. They agreed to enjoy each other’s company as much as they could for the time they had left, but it was practically impossible to simply stop themselves from remembering that every minute they were spending together ironically meant they had a minute less together. Things were intense. They had to be. Neither of them wanted to let the other go and they were constantly trying their best to show how much they meant it. But the situation only got out of control for real when they were a month away from Doyoung’s prom and, once again, Yuta was the one with bad news.

— The results of their top option are going to be announced in the same day of your prom… They are probably going to want to go out and celebrate if I get in, so I might not be able to sneak out to go meet you. — He says it all at once.

— That’s… not fair. It was supposed to be _literally_ our first and last date. — Doyoung seemed to be both angry and hurt. — They are already tearing us apart, can’t they let us have at least one nice thing?

— I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

— It’s not your fault. — His frustration was visible. — We were stupid to think we could have a date, anyway.

Yuta was more upset than he was before. One thing is hearing bad news and dealing with them, other thing completely different was having to tell those news and see the person you care about suffering because of it. That day on his way home he decided he would do literally anything to have his date with Doyoung, even if that included running away from his parents for the night. Which was exactly what he had to do a month after that day. He never told Doyoung he was planning to go, — he wasn’t sure if he would ever manage to leave his house without being seen, so he didn’t want to give him more hope and then just take it away from him. — but he did manage to make him swear he would go to his prom anyway because “ _you never know_ ” and maybe he wouldn’t even get in. The results came out around 6 and 7PM — He was in, obviously. There was absolutely no way he wouldn’t get in. — and Yuta actually managed to sneak out while his parents were getting ready to go out celebrate with him, he literally ran out of there like his life depended on that.

The thing is that Doyoung did go, but he kept checking the website that would announce the results every two seconds, because _you never know_ , maybe miracles can happen. In the moment he saw that specific name on the white screen of his phone, he felt his whole world crashing down. Doyoung didn’t think twice before running away from there. _Fuck prom_. He never wanted to be there in first place, he wanted Yuta and Yuta _only_. And that was where his feet unconsciously took him: Their usual place. He didn’t bother about literally running in the dark in the middle of the woods and ripping his entire tuxedo on the branches and thorns of the bushes and trees around him, his eyes firmly closed, filled with tears. He wanted to scream. And he really did, but for a different reason: he collided with something, _someone_. He fell on the ground, getting light bruises on his hands and probably also getting the back of his clothes mucky with earth. When he finally understood who equally fell on the ground with him he cried even more. That was the first time he saw Yuta wearing something that wasn’t his school uniform and even in the dark it was just so… _wow_.

— You came. 

— I did.

— But… Why? You got in.

— Yeah, but you know I’d do anything for you.

— You know I’m the same. I’d literally die for you.

— I’m pretty sure that will not be necessary, honey. — He laughs. — Are you okay? Did you get hurt?

— I could’ve dislocated a bone and I wouldn’t mind. Not with you here.

— You’re so dramatic. — He laughs. — I believe you’re not gonna want to go back there now that we’re both covered in dirt, since, you know, you lost your reputation but I believe you still wanna keep your dignity or some shit like that, right?

 _— Wrong_. I won’t let anything stop us from having our date. 

— So you don’t mind if they see us like this?

— Bold of you to assume I care about what anyone that is not you thinks.

Just like Yuta said, literally everyone couldn’t stop staring at them. It probably would be weird enough to have Doyoung dancing with someone, — and even more if that person was wearing casual clothes instead of something formal. — so it was three times weirder to have him dancing with someone covered in dirt, clothes ripped and unbothered by all the flashes and gazes they were constantly receiving. But that was it, they were too focused on their own perfect world — like they always did. — to even bother about whatever was happening in their surroundings. It was around 9 when they left the place together with happy smiles while holding hands, Doyoung asked Yuta when he needed to go back and the answer he got was “ _I don’t… Okay, don’t look at me like that. I do have to go, although I don’t want to. I promise I’ll go back tomorrow if you let me crash at your place._ ”, which was literally the best answer he — never imagined — could get. They got there around 1AM and only went upstairs after Doyoung showed all of his baby pictures to Yuta — after he repeatedly insisted for at least six times. It was past 4AM and they were lying on Doyoung’s bed facing each other, with him trying to make sure for the tenth time in that night that, in fact, _Yuta was real_.

— I’m really here and when you wake up that’s exactly where I’m still going be, don’t worry.

— You know… If you asked me to run away and tag along with you I’d do it without thinking twice.

— I do… But I can’t do this to you. I can’t ask you to leave behind everything you have just because of me.

— I know, you’re too good for that.

— It’s not that I’m good, it’s just that I love you. — It was the first time he said that and it took Doyoung a few seconds to process that sentence.

— I love you too. — He put his hand on his cheek and kissed his lips. — More than anything.

Later, during the afternoon, when he really had to leave, Doyoung convinced Yuta to let him walk him home because “it was not like they had anything to lose anyway”. When he agreed and they started to walk around holding hands with Yuta wearing his boyfriend’s clothes, Doyoung couldn’t tell if that was the best or worst day of his life. _Maybe it was both_. When they stopped in from of Yuta’s house, Doyoung took from his pocket a small envelope and handed it to Yuta.

— What’s this?

— There’s a customised pendant inside. _It’s blue_. You know, just so you can remember me.

— I won’t _ever_ forget you, honey. — He holds one of his hands and firmly presses it. Doyoung was trying to stop himself from crying.

— There’s also my number. — He takes a deep breath. — If you ever get a phone and still feel like… you want to hear from me. — He closes his eyes, now really crying. — _I won’t ever change it, no matter how many years pass_.

 _— And I won’t ever lose it_. — He kisses his forehead. — I promise.

— I don’t wanna let you go.

— I don’t want to let you go either… — He suddenly takes off his necklace and puts it in Doyoung’s hand. — Here, so you won’t forget me either.

They stayed outside for a few more minutes, just making promises to each other and swearing their love, only letting go when an angry scream came from inside the house, meaning they already knew he was back. The funny thing is that Yuta really kept the paper with his number with his life and when he eventually bought a phone he sent a text to it, but weirdly, it never got delivered, which means Doyoung lied and didn’t keep his promise. Yet, that didn’t stop Yuta to keep wearing a bracelet with the blue pendant he was gifted on their last day together. And what made the story even funnier was the fact Doyoung actually got mugged just a few weeks after they said goodbye, cried his eyes out and made hundreds of phone calls trying to get his number back, but actually never succeeded. For months, every night before going to sleep he would firmly hold the silver chain around his neck while he stared at the picture they took together during the prom night, both covered in dirt, looking more happy and in love than they ever did, with his eyes full of tears and an excruciating pain inside his chest.

Four and half years later is when Doyoung receives a curious text from a friend, Kim Sunggyu, he made in San Diego when he was in college. He was six years older than him and apparently, now announcing his marriage with another one of his friends, Nam Woohyun, from college. He was explaining he rented a house in London for the entire summer — which Doyoung thought it was absolutely stupid, since for him summer in London probably meant autumn in any other city of USA. — and his wedding would be right at the end of spring, which meant he’d be enjoying his honeymoon and not being able to be at the house he rented. What did Doyoung have to do with that? First, he was _obviously_ invited, second, they wanted him to make a toast and sing a song for them — it would be meaningful since he was basically the one who brought them together. — at the wedding and third, he wanted him to enjoy the house. For him that narrative looked way more like a horror movie than a happy one, he hated the idea of losing his summer in London, he hated the idea of staying in England, he hated absolutely everything about that place. But again, that was about Sunggyu and Woohyun. His best friends. His only friends. The ones who stopped him from locking himself inside his dorm and isolating himself because he kept thinking about how he wouldn’t see Yuta ever again. He would do anything to see them happy. _Even if that meant spontaneously visiting hell_.

So that was exactly what he did. Six months later he packed three huge suitcases and said goodbye to his house and plants for four months and two weeks. And there he was. _London. The devil’s lair. Capital of hell_. Whenever he saw someone smiling he would ask himself how could someone be happy in a place like that. Doyoung wanted to go back to Southern California _so bad_. Why couldn’t Sunggyu and Woohyun be normal and have their marriage in San Diego? Doyoung would even dare to step in New York again if necessary, but _fuck_ , _London? Really?_ They knew all of his thoughts about London. It was like they were saying “ _Hi Doyoung, we are inviting you to suffer for four months, what do you think?_ ”. What did he think? He did think it absolutely _sucked_ to be there.

 _— I love it here_. — It's what he says after another friend of them, Dongwoo, who went to pick him at the airport, asked how did he feel to be there.

— Really? Thought you hated London. — He laughs. _I do, Dongwoo, I do._ — I’m gonna be with you guys at the house until the day after the wedding, so if you want someone to hang out… You know how they are, both are freaking out and making sure everything is perfect.

— Oh yeah, that would be cool.

— Doyoung, you can be honest with me, I’m not gonna tell them.

— Ok. _I hate it here_. — Dongwoo laughs his lungs out.

The first week in London went pretty well and the house was pretty amazing. Well, not exactly, because it was literally _London_ , but he eventually stopped asking himself in which neighbourhood did Jaehyun ( _the devil_ ) live, so that was already a huge progress. The bad part was that he couldn’t stay inside the house, — Dongwoo didn’t joke. Sunggyu and Woohyun were literally freaking out. — which means he was obligated to spend the entire day walking around with Dongwoo, that wasn’t exactly supposed to be a problem because he was a great company and a very funny guy, but again, it was _London_.

The second week was when things really started happening. On Monday, Dongwoo insisted he wanted to visit a specific store that would sell every type of candy in the world, — he probably exaggerated a bit with that. — so he was obligated to go even further in London because apparently the place they’re living in these past days was far as fuck from the store in question. But when he entered the bathroom to do his morning routine, he heard Sunggyu and Woohyun saying something kind of weird to him. “ _Just keep him there for as much as you can, you know what to do_ ”. They were definitely hiding something from him and yes, he could ask, but he decided to wait and see what the fuck was going on. When they left it was around 11AM and when they were inside the cab Doyoung couldn’t stop staring at the steering wheel and thinking how it was on “the wrong side” of the car. He was going insane. _This was all London’s fault._

— Dude, do you think we’re gonna be back before one?

— Hopefully, why?

— I think I’m sick.

— We absolutely can’t go back.

— Why?

— You can’t get them sick, they’re marrying on Sunday. Sunggyu would kill you for that.

— What am I supposed to do, then? Spend the week outside the house?

— You suggested it, not me.

— Just be quick with your candies.

— You don’t rush a man with his candies, Doyoung.

The store was actually inside of a mall and when he saw his friend almost passing out after entering the candy shop, he thought maybe there was absolutely nothing happening and he was just becoming way too paranoid, after all, that’s probably what happens after you spend too much time in _hell_. This theory got even more strong after he asked Dongwoo if he could wait for him inside the bookstore beside the candy shop and his friend nodded like he literally didn’t even care about Doyoung. Yeah, everything was normal. Why the fuck did he let his mind trick him like that? They’re all angels, they’d never hide anything from him. _Oh, but they would. And they did._

Doyoung was too mesmerised with the small bookstore he was in to notice Dongwoo literally standing outside staring at him with shiny hopeful eyes. It was pretty hard to just walk around and not taking time to pay attention to certain works in all of those shelves, especially because after going to college he got this habit of paying extra attention to every single detail around him. And it was thanks to this that he actually stopped paying attention to the book he was holding to look at the arm on the opposite side of the shelf in front of him that was reaching for a random book. An arm with a silver bracelet, carrying a very unique blue pendant. He couldn’t see the face of the owner of that because the books were covering it, so in one of his less — or maybe most. — sane moments, he also grabbed the book they were reaching for.

 _— Mate?_ — There was a heavy outraged british accent in their voice. 

God, of course there was. He was stupid to think he could really have a good fucking time in London, _hell itself_.

— Where did you get this? — He still had to try.

— The book? In this shelf, I think? — That accent was so fucking _annoying_.

— The bracelet. The pendant.

— Uh... I bought the bracelet in France and someone gifted me the pendant.

— Was it a guy? Do you still talk to him? — He didn’t want to get too hopeful, but that guy could be an actual lead to Yuta.

— I don’t. — There was a brief silence on the other side. — And he’s all the way back in USA. _I think_.

— What’s his name?

— Mate, what are you even trying to do? And why are we talking with a literal shelf separating us?

— Because you might be my only lead to the fucking love of my life, _mate_. 

— You’re looking for Doyoung? — The owner of the voice sounded extra confused.

— No. The fuck? I’m Doyoung.

— You are?

 _— Yeah?_ — He says like it was the most obvious thing in the entire world.

— Holy shit.

— What? I mean, I know I’m amazing, but why?

— Stay there. — He drops the book.

Doyoung is lost for a few seconds. Did that guy just say “ _fuck it_ ” and left him there talking on his own? Where is that “ _people from England are super polite”_ stereotype? That dude was rude as fuck. 

_— Holy shit_. — The voice was back, but now coming from his left. — It’s really you.

_Oh. My. God. Is this a dream? Am I hallucinating? Is London trying to kill me from the inside? What the fuck is going on?_

— Yuta?

— _Me!_ — He literally jumps on him, giving him a tight hug.

He now looked a bit more mature, not longer with short brown hair, but copper orange and the length of it was relatively long, was wearing a simple grey t-shirt and blue dark jeans. It was the third time he was seeing him with casual clothes and the conclusion was still the same. _Wow_.

 _— Fuck_. — He didn’t know what else to say. — Why is your accent so annoying? I almost threw that book on you. — Yuta laughs and holy shit, Doyoung missed that so much.

— Your accent is different too, what happened?

— California happened.

— California? Really? I can weirdly picture you living there... Wait, where are you living? There? Here? Why did you even leave New York?

— There, San Diego, I’m only here for a friend and... It’s a big city, but it was weird to be around there because everything reminded me of you. — He confesses.

— You’re still wearing it. — He points to the silver chain around his neck, not knowing what else to say.

— Yeah, and you too. — They smile. — Did you ever text me?

— I did, but it never got delivered.

— I got mugged a few weeks after you left. — He takes a deep breath, like it physically caused him pain to remember of that time. — I cried for _weeks_.

— Because you lost your phone? — He tries to joke.

— Because I lost you. — He rolls his eyes. — I hate being cheesy, look what you’re doing to me. — Yuta laughs.

— So we’re just going to ignore the fact you called me _the love of your life_ a few minutes ago?

— Yeah? — He says again, like it was obvious.

— Alright, it’s not like I was planning to say it back anyway. — He makes Doyoung raise his eyebrows.

— Let’s not ignore that, then. — He makes Yuta laugh. 

— So... How’s life? Wait, are you busy now?

— I’m actually with my- — He turns to point to where Dongwoo was and finds him texting on his phone right outside the bookstore with a wide smile in his face, then pointing it to them like he was going to take a picture, but stopping when he noticed they’re both looking at him. Busted. — _Dongwoo_. 

— What’s a ‘Dongwoo’? I don’t speak korean. — Yuta seemed confused.

— That’s his name. — He laughs. — He’s my friend.

— The one you came for?

— To this mall, yeah, but not to the country. He wanted company to buy candy, I came for a wedding.

— Cool, a friend of mine is actually planning a wedding that happens this Sunday.

 _— Son of a bitch_.

— I’m sorry?

— Not you, Sunggyu.

— That’s a oddly familiar name.

— Yeah, that’s the guy getting married on Sunday.

— Oh. _Cool_.

— But hey, you were asking if I’m busy, right? Why?

— I was going to invite you to drink something, but you’re out with your friend, so… never mind.

— I’m pretty sure Dongwoo wanted me to find you, so I don’t think that will be a problem.

— Mind to explain me that while we have some tea, then?

— Make it coffee and the answer is yes. 

Doyoung later discovered a year ago his friends decided they were going to look for Yuta in every possible way they could’ve thought. First, they reached the institution he was studying to ask if they had any contact information, which led them to a company that took care of the preparation of special events, being ran by a friend of his from college, Xiao Dejun, then they called and discovered Yuta didn’t actually work there and that specific friend refused to give them any information about him if they didn’t hire their services, which led them to a lot of thinking and making the decision of getting married in London. They eventually explained the situation to Dejun and convinced him to help them meet again because Yuta also would _never_ shut up about Doyoung. A week before that day, Dejun convinced his friend to visit that bookstore on Monday after lunch while Dongwoo invited his to visit the “candy shop” coincidentally located right next to it. And in that night Doyoung told this entire story to Yuta while they both laughed their lungs out on the phone, because now Yuta had one and, this time, when he messaged Doyoung, the text didn’t only get delivered, but also replied right away. 

They agreed to go out on the next day again so Yuta could show him his “ _favorite spots_ ” and even though it was _London_ , Doyoung didn’t even think of mentally complaining about going out. He actually made London _enjoyable_ for Doyoung. Yuta was just _that_ powerful. He hated England for tearing them apart, but now it was exactly what helped them find each other again. He still had hate for it, though, since in first place if it didn’t separate them, there wouldn’t be a necessity to bring them together. But of course, he didn’t have much space inside of his head to think about wherever he was because that space was basically already filled with thoughts of who he was with. They were walking around a park when Doyoung tried to casually ask him a crucial question.

— This might sound a bit weird but… are you seeing someone? 

Yuta stopped walking and started looking around, like that would, somehow, help him come up with the ideal answer for that question.

— Not really. — He opens his mouth ready to say something else, but he seemed to have changed his mind. — You?

— No. — Now he was the one looking around. — This is gonna sound really stupid, so if it’s too embarrassing please just pretend you didn’t just hear that.

— Okay. — He crosses his arms, waiting for whatever was coming.

—I know it’s been years but I couldn’t stop thinking about you and since we never actually… you know…

— We never broke up. I know. It’s not stupid. — He smiles. — To be honest, I was going to mention that, but I’m kind of a coward. — He laughs. — I didn’t want to let go so dating someone that wasn’t you seemed… _wrong_. But I did cheat on you with three or four people in college, though. — He says and Doyoung bursts out with a loud laughter.

— That’s okay, I cheated on you too. — Yuta gives a light slap on his shoulder, pretending to be offended by that.

— Damn, we’ve been dating for more than five years now.

— Yeah, that’s way more than my two friends getting married on Sunday.

— Oh, right, the wedding. Are you anxious for it? I mean, you came all the way from San Diego, so I’m imagining you are.

— I am, I’m actually singing a song and making a toast for them, so I’m pretty nervous. — He smiles. — But yeah, they’re my best friends, I’m super happy for them. — He adds. — Although I didn’t arrive here with the biggest of my smiles.

— Why not? And wait a minute, that’s so huge, you’re gonna sing? Why did you never sing to me?

— Because it’s _England_. _I hate it here_. Just like you used to… But I see you have betrayed me, you even have this annoying accent now. — He makes Yuta completely outraged. — And well, you never asked me to.

— First, I wanna listen to you singing a Taylor Swift song right now, come on. Second, don’t judge England before experiencing it and third, my accent is _not_ annoying! Even if it was, you gotta love me for who I am.

— And _I do_ , but loving someone is being honest and telling them when their accent or country sucks. — He receives another light slap, this time in his arm. — _Ouch_. I’m not gonna sing anything if you keep attacking me.

— Then stop attacking me with your words!

— I’m sorry for my honesty! — Another slap. — That’s it. No Taylor Swift.

— No, wait, that’s not fair. — He starts to rub where he left the slap. — _Please_.

— You know what? Just had an idea.

— That’s never a good sign.

— Shut up? I was going to invite you to go to the wedding as my pair so you could watch me singing Taylor Swift, but never mind.

— Wait, are you being serious? You’re singing Taylor Swift at their wedding?

 _— Lover_.

— I demand you to invite me to this wedding right now, Kim Doyoung.

 **—** I will think about it. — He grins. — But I’m sure you’re aware I have a super weak spot for you so…

— Oh yeah, life has never been better. 

In the next day, Yuta promised to take him to famous spots in London and that made Doyoung realise he had absolutely no idea about what he worked with and why the fuck he was literally missing the third afternoon of a business day in a row like it was nothing. In the night before that, after bringing up the topic in question when they were talking on the phone, he discovered Yuta actually was the CEO of a huge company that was expanding around the entire Europe, — He tried his best to not brag about it, but Doyoung kept telling him how big that was and that he should be proudly talking of his accomplishments, which made him extra shy. — so he was basically his own boss and that explained a lot. When asked about himself, he told Yuta he was an architect, also promptly being congratulated for that, but, obviously, not without receiving a “ _You? The one who hates math with his guts? No way._ ” first.

— And Dongwoo was my roommate, so he kept bringing both to get me out of the room and that’s how I ended up stuck with them for life. — He explains. — What about you? I wanna know about your friends, too.

— I also have three best mates. — He smiles as he watches Doyoung pretending to be disgusted by the last word. — There’s Dejun, as you know, he’s chinese and the one responsible for your friends’ marriage, I met him thanks to my past roommate, Ten, he’s from Thailand, works with web-design and dates my third best mate, Sicheng, who’s french and currently an actor, but also a dancer.

— Wow, your friends are so elegant. Woohyun literally sells houses. 

— Well, I think that is a very cool job.

— Me too! I’m just saying he’s a regular guy just like me and not, _you know_ , a superstar.

— What do you mean you’re not a superstar? I thought I was talking to a famous singer.

— I like how you keep building expectations about my voice, but when the time to listen to me singing comes, it’s very likely you’re gonna be extremely disappointed.

— You talk like you could _ever_ disappoint me.

— To be fair, I did say shit about your accent, town and country.

— Yeah, you don’t have to bring that up, I’m trying to delete it from my mind so I won’t hit you and get uninvited again. 

— Wise thought. — He giggles.

— By the way, you will be going away on Monday or Tuesday? I wanna go to the airport say goodbye to you.

— About that… I’m kind of staying until the end of the summer.

— You mean like… _all_ four months?

— …Yeah.

— You’re telling me I have to endure more four entire months of you insulting London?

— Very likely.

— I can’t do this. — He receives a laugh as response.

— It’s quite funny to think four months used to be not enough for us and now you’re literally saying it’s a lot. 

— More like upsetting, but yeah… — Yuta gives him a sad smile. — I’m just glad we’re gonna get to spend some time together. — Doyoung smiles back. — I mean, that if you want to keep seeing me, of course… Uh… Do you?

— I literally said you were the love of my life to a “stranger” in a random bookstore in London, Yuta, _what do you think?_

On Friday, after a very long talk, they finally agreed — Doyoung begged. — to go out and introduce his friends to each other — Sunggyu and Woohyun were freaking out three times more then they already were when Doyoung got there. He needed peace. — and just meet in a pub to get some drinks. Dongwoo kept telling him that was a date, but Doyoung just kept saying he should shut up because “ _that’s nonsense_ ”. Even though it was pretty obvious he really wanted it to be a date, he knew those were not Yuta’s intentions with him. Maybe something could happen between them during those four months, but he didn’t want to think too much, he got so used to not have nice things that it became hard for him to actually be optimistic about anything involving himself. When they arrived at the pub, Dongwoo was the one who found them first — he recognised Yuta. — and guided his friends to their table; as Doyoung followed, he suddenly felt goosebumps and his entire body getting tense and cold, he didn’t realise how nervous he was about meeting Yuta’s friends until he actually understood that was _really_ about to happen. He wanted them to like him.

Although he thought he was going to die, he got along with everyone pretty well. Dejun was a super nice guy and he managed to convince Sunggyu and Woohyun to _not_ talk or even think about their wedding just for the night, which made Doyoung feel extremely grateful, while Sicheng had a really nice accent and didn’t hesitate to tell Doyoung about how ugly was the couch bought by Ten for their apartment, who was basically his favorite out of all of the three of them because although he had a british accent, he was actually very funny and simply told him about every embarrassing story he could remember about Yuta in college. When they started to feel tired, Doyoung excused himself to go outside of the place for a bit in an attempt to wake his senses a bit. He was resting his back on the wall outside of it, watching cars passing by while he smoked a cigarette trying to stop his body from feeling too much cold, when someone walks out of the pub and joins him.

— Can I? — He suddenly asks.

— What? — Doyoung watches him, confused.

— Smoke a fag. — Yuta smirks and he does the same, offering him the pack. Yuta laughs, rejecting it, and Doyoung looks at him with a huge frown in his face, silently asking what the fuck he meant with that.

— I was talking about the other meaning.

— I’m sorry?

— Not USA’s exactly. _Ours_.

_Ours. Doyoung and Yuta. Them. Together. Their meaning. Wait. Their meaning? Was he talking about…? No, right? Ok, but… maybe? Or maybe not… There was actually just one way to discover what he truly meant with that._

— You know you’re always welcome.

— For a moment I got scared about what you were going to answer because you took a few seconds to say that.

— I’m just a little bit sleepy. — He giggles. — My reasoning is a bit slow. — Yuta gives him a smile. — I already gave you permission, what are you waiting for?

— Wow, sorry if I’m nervous because it’s the first time we get to be alone ever since this date started.

_Oh. D word. D as is Dongwoo was right. D as in Doyoung about to collapse because of Yuta. D as in Dying in the next seconds._

— You didn’t seem nervous when you got here full of yourself asking me that. — Doyoung laughs.

— I was literally shaking. _I am literally shaking_.

— Thought it was the cold.

— This isn’t cold, it’s me nervous. Are you cold? — He says too quickly.

— It is cold, Yuta. 

— Maybe I’m too nervous to notice that.

— Are you drunk?

— No, why?

— Just making sure you’re in your right state of mind. — He closes his eyes, smiling.

— I would only be out of my right state of mind if I _didn’t_ want to kiss you.

 _— Then come here, baby_.

Yuta seemed too shocked by the way he was just called to do anything other than opening his mouth in surprise and just standing there, what made Doyoung smile even more and pull him closer by his arm and leaving a short kiss on the cold tip of his nose — what made Yuta close his eyes and _giggle_. It was pretty hard to believe that was actually happening. They were able to talk, touch, hold and kiss each other for the first time in five years. They were able to be _together_. Yuta puts his arms around Doyoung’s neck and the latter understands that as a silent request for him to go on, so he hugs his waist and seals their lips together. Just like that. _Gentle_. Yuta giggles again and pulls away, hiding his face in the crook of his neck.

— What? — Doyoung asks with a humorous tone and kisses his head.

— I imagined this for so long that now that it is actually happening it just sounds silly how bad I missed being able to have you with me.

— You will _always_ have me, Yuta. — He says, softly playing with his hair. — And now that I know how to get to you, I hope you know you won’t get rid of me that easily.

— You talk like I had any intentions of doing that. 

This time he’s the one initiating the kiss and, unlike the previous one, this one was more sloppy, like he was trying to express how desperately grateful he was to be able to be there, to be able to do that, to have him. It was like there wasn’t a five years gap between them because everything seemed just like how it was back then and the most important part of it all was that this time there wasn’t absolutely anyone to tear them apart, _except for themselves_.

— I really would like to invite you to my place tonight. — Doyoung says after pulling away from the kiss, clearly with ulterior motives.

— Care to tell me what exactly is the thing stopping you from doing that?

 **—** There are three, actually. They’re right inside. — He says and Yuta laughs.

— I live alone, you know.

— That surely is very convenient. — He leaves a quick kiss in his lips. — I’d love to take a look at the decorations of your house… because I am an architect, you know? And it would be really nice if you could… I don’t know, maybe book a visit for me right now.

— I guess I can make an exception for you. — He smirks.

On Sunday Yuta felt like he was literally in heaven. Not because Dejun did a great job with the decoration of wedding, — although, yes, he did. — or because the ceremony was too beautiful, — it really was. — but because he literally got to see and listen to Doyoung singing Taylor Swift in front of everyone, or more specifically, because he got to hear Doyoung singing “ _Lover_ ” with an angelical voice, looking right inside his eyes with the most tender look he ever got from him. Literally every single time he would sing “ _Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close? Forever and ever_ ” and “ _You’re my lover_ ” Yuta was sure his heart would simply decide to stop beating because, just like him, it also needed a break to take a very deep breath.

— I think you mistook one of the men who were getting married with me, Doyoung. Or at least that is what I thought since you stared at me for the entire song.

— You’re absolutely right, I did. You look exactly like my friend, Sunggyu.

— Well, that surely explains a lot. — He pretends to be satisfied with the answer he got.

— Don’t act like you didn’t love the image and sound of me singing Taylor Swift while I looked at you, sir. — He holds his hands.

— Who said I didn’t? — Yuta kisses him.

For the following days they kept going on dates whenever they could, or simply just staying at their houses for hours, enjoying each other’s presences for as much as they could. It was just like high school all over again, but with freedom. They had now the chance of making up for all those five years they lost when they didn’t have access to each other and both literally couldn’t be feeling happier. But one day, around two weeks after their first kiss, the first problem started. Doyoung was at a pub with Yuta when he received a call from Dejun telling him he had something personal, _an emergency_ , to deal with and he really needed advice about what to do and he was going immediately to Yuta’s apartment, and since they weren’t that close for him to be around, he decided to go back to Sunggyu’s rented house. He was getting ready to leave and waiting for his cab to arrive when Yuta came to him with a weird expression in his face.

— Hey…

— Hey, what’s up? It’s been a few years since you went to grab this drink. — He tries to joke and Yuta smiles, but at this point Doyoung knew him well enough to know there was something bad coming.

— I actually just wanted to confirm something silly.

— Yeah?

— This… thing we have… — _Oh well, we’re really already starting like this_. — I really like you, but like... That’s all we will ever be, right?

— What do you mean? 

— Like, just a summer fling.

_— Uh… Elaborate?_

— I mean that after summer ends you’re going back to your life and I’ll be going back to mine, right? We’re not planning to turn this into a relationship.

 _— Ah_.

— Because it would be complicated… So we’ll just stay as friends after this, right?

— … _Yeah_. — He looks at his phone, pretending to be busy with something.

— Is everything ok?

— Yeah, it’s just Dongwoo being stupid. — He gives him his best smile. — _I’m fine_. — He says, holding back his tears. — I’ll head outside to wait for the cab, alright?

— Ok, text me when you get there?

— Sure.

— Take care!

— You too, bye!

Thankfully, as soon as he leaves the pub he can see the cab arriving to pick him, so he gives the driver the address and quickly calls Dongwoo. Usually Woohyun was the one who dealt the best with feelings, but he definitely wasn’t going to bother him during his honeymoon in the middle of the night with his stupid drama. He hears the excited voice tone of his friend being cut as soon as Dongwoo understands Doyoung wasn’t planning to say or do anything other than actually crying his eyes out. _He wasn’t fine at all_. He wasn’t certain about many things regarding his future, but he was absolutely sure he wanted Yuta as his partner on it, and, unfortunately, until that day he believed for real that this feeling was actually _mutual_. 

He gave a few excuses so he wouldn’t be able to meet Yuta during the final days of that week. Dongwoo said he should be honest, but deep down, Doyoung knew if he told the truth his _friend_ would definitely cut their summer fling right away. He didn’t want to lie, but that’s exactly what he was going to keep doing if that was what it would take for him to keep Yuta. After practicing in front of the mirror for almost four days in a row how to not let his “ _I am dying inside_ ” expression too visible, he finally agreed to meet Yuta — Because like Taylor would say, “ _If I bleed you will be the last one to know_ ”. When he thought it was just like high school all over again, he didn’t think that would also include their relationship having an expiration date. _Universe really wasn’t planning to let him have nice things._

He was waiting for him next to an ice cream parlour enjoying the weak sunlight in his skin when he suddenly felt something wet on him. _Rain_. _Again_. And he didn’t even bring an umbrella with him because he never actually remembered to do it, but that didn’t normally bother him because Yuta was always with one and with that, he would save him from that annoying falling water. But there wasn’t Yuta now. _And in a few months there wasn’t going to be any Yuta either_. He really hated to be there. _Stupid London._ If he ever thought of considering not hating that place as he did for the past years, now that possibility just got _annihilated_. He literally just got forty seven new reasons why he should hate it even more. England was once again being a _bitch_ and stopping him from being with Yuta. He was ninety percent sure at some point during college he got in a coma and ever since then the devil ( _Jaehyun_ ) had been controlling him just like he was casually playing the new The Sims 4 expansion pack and exploring the new ways he got to make his life more miserable than ever. He started to ask himself if that was all really _worth it_. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He just couldn’t keep lying to himself. He would never be able to do something like that. If it was worth it? He didn’t know, but he knew enough to take a deep breath and decide to leave.

But just as he was doing that he saw Yuta coming to his direction, getting there with a happy and bright smile covering his face. Doyoung got his answer. _Of course it was worth it. He was literally Yuta, how wouldn’t that be worth it?_ _Yuta said it all. He liked him_. _Fuck it if he didn’t want to have something concrete with Doyoung_. That’s why, just like five years ago, he chose to ignore he would ever to let that that go, to let him go, and simply started to smile at Yuta, now walking not to leave, but to meet him with a warm hug. _What doesn’t kill me makes me want you more_.

— Bloody hell Doyoung, why were standing like that in the middle of the rain? There was literally a place with a cover right next to you. — He laughs between the hug, now sharing his umbrella with him.

— I was spacing out.

— You just got better from your flu, don’t do that. Are you trying to find excuses not to see me anymore? — He jokes.

Oh yeah. _A flu_. That was the excuse he gave Yuta so he could basically ignore him for the past days. But now that he finally made his decision, a flu was literally the last thing he needed in that moment because he wanted to be with Yuta for as much as he could and he definitely refused to catch a stupid flu in stupid London. It was his time to show to England he also could play — _whatever… that was supposed to mean_. — that game.

— I won’t let London win again. 

— Why do I feel like this has some kind of hidden meaning?

— This is between me and this city, Yuta, leave it like that. We’re literally in the middle of an endless war and I don’t want you to get hurt. — Yuta puts his hand on his forehead. — What?

— Just checking if you have a fever… you know, making sure you’re not delirious or anything.

— I’m not gonna stand here and tolerate this slander. — He puts his hand on his chest, like he was extremely offended, and with the other hand he points to the ice cream parlour. — I am going inside because ice cream would never do this to me.

— Only because the ice cream doesn’t get to speak. — Yuta speaks.

— I wanna break up our five years long relationship right now. — Doyoung acts like he just heard the most absurd thing in the world.

— Wow, easy there. — Yuta pretends to be worried. — That’s a bit extreme and very unnecessary, let’s think this through more calmly, alright?

— I don’t know, Yuta, give me one reason why I should that.

— Because I’m amazing?

— That’s not fair, you know I can’t disagree with that. Fix it with something else. — Yuta leans forward and leaves a kiss in his lips. — Yeah, that should be enough. Let’s go in, five-years-long-boyfriend.

He wasn’t going to lie. Referring to Yuta as his boyfriend caused a certain amount of pain inside of his chest. But, of course, it was hard to pay attention to that when he was way more busy fixing his attention on the fact Yuta was a total disaster with his ice cream, getting his entire hand sticky and panicking because whenever he tried to clean that, he would make an even bigger mess. And that’s basically how things went for weeks: Doyoung ignoring the growing pain inside of his chest, putting a pretty smile in his face, focusing all his attention on Yuta and pretending that wasn’t slowly killing him inside.

Two weeks and half after that day, they were lying down on Yuta’s bed busy with each other, a random Netflix movie being played in the background, when Doyoung decided to make his eyes focus on their hands, that were intertwined, and just made the biggest devastating realisation he could have ever made. Their hands simply fitted perfectly. The way their fingers were linked was _just right_. Maybe it was silly, but Doyoung literally felt like crying. And it wasn’t because he was a big fan of puzzles, it was because that was just the first small detail he noticed about them. He spent that night without being able to close his eyes and sleep not even for a second. By the morning, when Yuta wished him a good morning and he realised everything he thought during the night was actually true, he literally started crying. Yuta didn’t ask, he just brought his head to his chest and hugged it until Doyoung finally fell asleep. Later when he woke up and Yuta didn’t say anything, he thought all of that was just a weird dream he had because he slept too much. But deep down he knew _the realisation he had was real_. And Yuta knew there was something wrong going on, but he wasn’t going to pressure Doyoung if he didn’t feel ready to talk about that. 

In the next week, when Yuta called him at 3AM telling how much he missed him, even though they saw each other just a few hours before that, was when Doyoung decided to give up and accept his damn realisation. _He was in love with Yuta_. Of course he was. There wasn’t a scenario he wouldn’t be in love with someone like that. And that’s why right after they hung up, Doyoung cried until the sun was shining in the sky. That week he came up with another “ _I’m sick, I’m sorry but we can’t see each other_ ” excuse because maybe, just maybe, if he didn’t see him for a few days that feeling could go away… right? Well, he wouldn’t know, because after three days telling him the same thing, he eventually showed up at his door and Doyoung had to pretend to be sick for the entire day — which wasn’t hard, since he felt so down, he was barely getting up from bed during those days. — so he wouldn’t suspect anything. Yuta left at night, saying something weird as he was making his way out. “ _You know you can tell me everything, right? You know I won’t ever judge you or anything like that_ ”. Yes, Doyoung was aware he would never judge him for that, but he wasn’t so sure if would actually take well the information he had. Again, he would do anything to keep Yuta. Even if that meant he would purposely make himself partially blue whenever they were together.

Although that was the mindset he was trying to keep, it didn’t really last for long. A bit more than a week after that day, with Doyoung silently crying every night after Yuta was asleep, he realised that was just too much for him to keep bearing. He couldn’t keep hiding that because he wouldn’t be just making himself suffer, but also keep lying to the person he loved. _And, after all, they did tell everything to each other_. The “perfect” moment came when Yuta came from the kitchen holding a cup of coffee for Doyoung and one with tea for himself, he had that weird expression again, like he was ready to say something he probably shouldn’t, but _had_ to be said. He was silently drinking his tea, trying to gather some courage to bring up whatever that was, when Doyoung decided to speak up.

— Just say it. You’re torturing both of us. — He sighs, Yuta looking surprised.

— I’m just… not sure if I should.

— Believe me, _not saying_ _it_ is probably the worst thing that can happen to you.

— It’s just that… for a few nights now, I know you have been crying before going to sleep and… I don’t know. I wanted to say something before because I thought maybe I was doing something that was getting you like that, like I’m guilty for making you like that… but I’m kind of a coward and I was too afraid of asking and discovering that maybe, yes, I’m the reason why you’re… like this.

— I’m not gonna lie. You are.

— Oh.

— But it’s not your fault.

— Can you… tell me what is it? — He asks, uncertain, as he watches Doyoung struggling with whatever he was about to say.

— I lied to you.

— What?

— When I said I was fine with just being friends after summer ends.

— Doyoung. — He didn’t seem worried anymore, although now he looked like he was about to say something very serious.

— No, wait, let me finish. — Yuta nods. — Dongwoo told me to be honest and just tell you the truth in the same night I agreed with that, but I just couldn’t, Yuta. I knew if I did that I wouldn’t be able to keep you, so I decided it was better to have you for a limited time than not having you at all.

— And that was hurting you. That is hurting you. — He looks down, thoughtful.

— Yes, because I can’t just keep lying to you or to myself about my feelings, even if that means losing you. I love you and I know that is probably the last thing you want to hear from me, but I do. I love you so fucking much it physically hurts having to hide that.

He finally looks up to meet his eyes, grinning like Doyoung just told him a random joke, instead of literally struggling to open up about his hidden feelings and fears.

— I… I’m sorry I lied, but please, don’t smile like that. Just say something, anything, even if you’re gonna tell me to leave.

— Why would I do that?

— Wha-

— I love you too, Doyoung.

— Are you joking? Because that’s not funny.

— I’m not joking, you got it all wrong.

— Then explain to me?

— Back at the pub when I asked you that, I was trying to be sure about your intentions with me, because if you didn’t want to try anything else after your time here was up, I didn’t want to let myself be deceived. I wanted to keep us going, but I was afraid you didn’t and that was exactly what you told me back there. And ever since that, I have been trying to avoid getting hurt and falling in love with you because I knew that after you left, I wouldn’t be able to keep you as anything more than a friend, but, as you can see, it didn’t really work that well.

— So you’re telling you only asked me that because you were trying to discover if our intentions with each other were the same, and they were, but I lied and then you lied too and we both have been feeling miserable ever since?

— Pretty much?

— Oh man, how I wish I had listened to Dongwoo. — Yuta laughs and grabs his hand, intertwining it with his.

— What matters is that now we know how we feel about each other.

— Does that mean we’re officially dating now?

— I don’t really have a ring with me, but that would be nice.

— Can I tell people we’ve been dating ever for more than five years? 

**—** Yes, Doyoung, you can. — He laughs again and Doyoung kisses him with the biggest and most honest smile he gave in weeks. _They were in love. That was it. They didn’t care about the ocean separating them. They would make it work. Just like they always did._

On the following days, Yuta did his best to convince Sicheng, — who was going to France with Ten for a performance. — without Doyoung being aware of that, to walk around and find the perfect place to buy for him the prettiest rings he could find, absolutely hidden form Ten because they all agreed he was a little bit… _tacky_. Initially it was hard to get him to say yes because he hated going out on his own and if he took Ten with him, he would make a bad suggestion and Sicheng had a very concerning problem called _I’m-sorry-but-I-can’t-say-no-to-Ten_ ; but after Yuta literally begged and threatened to actually call him nonstop in the middle of the night, he eventually said yes — but not without cursing at him first. They stayed there for five days and when they got back, Doyoung found a little bit weird how his _boyfriend_ — oh yeah, now he was allowed to use that word as much as he wanted to. — literally cancelled all of their plans for that day and told him he would make up for it taking him out for dinner at night. The rings were exactly like he imagined ( _Sicheng refused to send him a picture, because if he didn’t like it he would have made him go back to the store and get another type of ring_ ), and he got so happy, Ten confessed he couldn’t even get mad at them for not letting him help pick it. — Which made them silently grateful for their decision, because just after saying that, he said with every. single. word. “ _And to be honest, that such an ugly ring_ ”. That night, when they were waiting the dessert they ordered, Yuta decided that was probably the best time to show him what he got.

— So… Ten and Sicheng are back from France.

— Already? I thought they were going to stay for the weekend.

— Ten doesn’t really like Paris that much.

— What about Sicheng?

— Same thing, that’s why he left there, actually. Also probably why he was mad at me.

— Why would Sicheng be mad at you?

— Because I made him walk around on his own to buy something for me. — Doyoung laughs.

— Why did he even agree with that? I would simply pretend my phone stopped working for the entire time I was there. — Yuta joins him, also laughing. — What did you ask him to buy? An authentic beret? — He receives a “haha, very funny” back.

— But seriously, it’s actually something for… both of us.

— Two authentic berets?

— Doyoung!

— Ok, ok, sorry. What is it?

— Just a mere formality, you know, to make it official for real.

Doyoung had a light smile in his face, still clueless about what he was talking about, but as soon as he saw the black ring box being put in front of him, his smile got wider than Yuta could have ever imagine it would get. It was clear in his face and the sparkles inside his eyes how much he liked that. And he didn’t even see the rings yet. That made Yuta want to laugh because it would be a huge bummer if it was tacky unique like Ten wanted it to be. Yuta opens the box and Doyoung literally gasps, like he wasn’t expecting at all to have something inside of it, that makes Yuta smile like a fool and hold his hand, silently asking for permission to put the ring around his finger, receiving a low and emotional “ _yes_ ”. That’s when the waitress brings their desserts and says a relatively loud “ _Oh. My. God. Are you getting married?_ ”, making the entire restaurant look at them. They exchange looks, not knowing exactly what to say.

— Actually-

— _We are_. — Doyoung says and Yuta looks at him, confused. — I said yes.

— Oh. My. God. — She seemed extremely excited. — I can’t give you a discount but congratulations for getting engaged! — It was said relatively loudly again and since everyone was still staring at them waiting to understand what was going on there, as they heard the waitress talking, the entire restaurant starts to clap for them.

— Darling, you do know I wasn’t planning to propose tonight, right? — Yuta asks a few minutes after the attention was no longer focused on them.

— I do. — Doyoung laughs. — I just thought after all we endured, it would be nice to receive congratulations from an entire restaurant.

— I will be obligated to agree with you this time.

— Baby, please, I’m always right.

— Now I will just pretend I didn’t hear what you said so we can avoid our first fight.

— You’re unbelievable.

Even though they only started to officially date again in that year, they decided to keep the date of their anniversary as the same as the first time they got together back then in high school, when he mentioned his prom and Yuta told him he was going to move to England in a few months. In the first month they celebrated, Doyoung suggested they should go out with Yuta’s friends because it had been a while since they last met and the date coincidentally was on a Friday, which would probably make it easier for everyone to be able to go and although Yuta didn’t like the idea at first, — he said it would be too chaotic. — he eventually agreed with Doyoung because now he had a rare health problem just like Sicheng, except his was something more like _I’m-sorry-I-can’t-say-no-to-Doyoung._ Yuta was right, it was chaotic, but that only made their first anniversary together even more great because Dejun guaranteed that his friend wouldn’t forget for anything in this world the image of him literally spilling his entire drink on his clothes and later at his apartment, after getting rid of his wet clothes, Yuta did his best to make sure Doyoung would have a very good reason to also not forget that night for a long time.

They were more in love than ever. It was like each new day the love they felt for each other kept growing and only getting bigger. Of course there were some silly fights between them, but they were trying their best to deal with that like two grownups and, because of that, those ended up not lasting long. For their second anniversary they decided it would be better to do something just the two of them, since Doyoung would be going away to USA in a bit more than two weeks. It was decided they would have a picnic in that same park they went on the first week they found each other again, when Doyoung invited Yuta to go with him as his pair to the wedding. Now sitting on the grass, Yuta takes his guitar and looks at Doyoung with hopeful eyes.

— No.

— I didn’t even ask yet.

— Ok, then ask.

— Please sing something?

— No.

— But darling-

— Don’t call me like that. You know I can’t say no to you when you call me like this.

— Just one song, pretty please.

— Fine. — He sighs. — What are the ones you know how to play?

— You can pick whatever song you want, I’m sure I will figure it out. — He says, happily.

— Call it what you want?

— Taylor?

— Obviously. — He laughs.

— You’re lucky I know that one. — A wide smile could be seen in his lips. — Any special meanings for this song?

— Don’t do that, you know how I hate being cheesy.

— But I like when you’re cheesy.

— Ok, baby. — He cover his face with both of his hands, sighs and then looks at him, voice low. — _It’s our song_. — He can see Yuta’s smile becoming brighter.

After playing and singing it, with Yuta making sure his phone was recording everything, they lay down on the grass and start to remember how these almost four months went and how intense everything was, with them finding their way to each other with a light help of his best friends, with how even after being five years apart they still were acting like things never changed, their first kiss as adults, the misunderstandings, the anxiety and fear of having to let go of each other, the moment they both confessed to each other, the moment everyone at that restaurant got happy because they were engaged together, their endless dates — be it on fancy places, common places or just at each other’s houses. — and just everything they went through to be there, laying on that grass, holding each other while they kept giggling and staring at the rings in their fingers, admiring how shiny it was against the sunlight. 

Before they left the park, Yuta told him he bought something simple for him as a gift and even after Doyoung kept telling him that was completely unnecessary and how he really needed to stop spending money on him, — like both of them weren’t rich. — he insisted in gifting him, taking a jewellery box out of his bag and holding it in front of him while he made an exciting noise.

— You’re not proposing… right? Wait, are you?

— No. — He pretends to be stressed. — What if I was? Were you planning to reject me? A man like _me_ , Doyoung? That’s so cocked up.

_— Obviously?_

— Ok, _ouch_.

— We should wait at least until we make an official year together, not two months. — He explains. — And I want to be the proposing, asshat. 

— Ok, _wow_. — He makes Doyoung laugh. — Quick question: kids or animals?

— Plants.

— Yeah, that’s what I thought so, because like, they don’t make any noises.

— See? That’s why I want to marry you.

— So you’re saying my only quality is liking plants? You’re such a wanker.

— Yes, that is exactly what I’m telling you. — He leans and excitedly puts his arms around his neck, leaving a sweet kiss in his lips.

Those two weeks together unfortunately went by pretty fast, just like those four months of summer in general, and now Doyoung was only two days away of going back to San Diego, already missing Yuta and his friends more than anything, but also willing to kill someone just so he could lay on his bed again, visit the beach with Dongwoo and having to let himself be kidnapped by Sunggyu and Woohyun to help them redecorating their house for the tenth time ever since they started living together. The previous day of his last day in London was basically everyone going to that pub Doyoung and Yuta had their first kiss, just joking, recalling their highlighted moments together and drinking all night — but not enough for them to wake up with a hangover and not being able to enjoy their last day together as they planned to. Ten and Sicheng gifted Doyoung with an actual “authentic beret” from France because when Yuta told them about that, they laughed their lungs out with it. Dejun gave him an umbrella, since he never really saw him walking around with one, “ _It’s like you would rather to die with pneumonia than to actually go buy an umbrella, that’s dangerous, mate_ ”, which made Yuta lose practically all the air inside their lungs because of how much he laughed having to hear his boyfriend explaining to their friends that was only a “summer rain” and he had Yuta with him all the time, the guy who probably would walk around with an umbrella even if he was planning to visit a beach.

In their last day together, Doyoung made Yuta promise he would visit him in October because he wanted to introduce to him the town he spent the last five years in, show him the beach and prove his theory about him taking an umbrella to somewhere like that was, in fact, very accurate. He wanted him to visit before his birthday, so by the end of the month he could go back to London and they all would be able to do something meaningful together. Before going to sleep, Yuta said he had something to tell him about and that was literally the first time he said something like that without having a dodgy expression in his face, so instead of freaking out, Doyoung simply felt curious about it. He was opening his wardrobe, looking for something.

— I wonder what kind of secret you keep with your clothes.

— You don’t even wanna know, it’s a tad illegal.

— Guess I would like to take the risk.

— Well, there’s this. — He holds a pretty familiar shirt and a pair of trousers in the air. — Does it ring a bell?

— It does, I just can’t remember from where I know that from.

— It’s yours.

— Mine? — _Oh shit. It was his_. Those were the clothes he gave Yuta to use because he couldn’t go back to his house with his own since they were covered in dirt. — You’re telling me you kept it? I can’t believe this.

— I did. — He smiles. 

— I kept yours too, you know. It’s all the way back home- _uh_ … at my place, so I can’t really show you now, but when I get there I’ll text you with actual proof of that.

— I believe in you, Doyoung. — He laughs at his exaggerated explanation.

— This is gonna sound pretty stupid but… can I take one of your shirts with me? I know what’s the perfume you use, but it’s not exactly the same thing.

— Only if you let me borrow one of yours as well. — His eyes were shiny, like Doyoung could even think of saying no to him.

Doyoung’s flight was at the beginning of the afternoon, so he made sure to wake up as early as he could to enjoy his last hours physically beside Yuta, who wanted to take him out for lunch at an expensive place, but his proposal was promptly refused, with his boyfriend explaining he would rather to be able to do something more domestic, like them preparing the food together, making Yuta literally say “ _Awww_ ” out loud, as if that was the cutest thing he ever heard. — It wasn’t really that cute, the thing was that he was basically a sucker for everything involving Doyoung. They finished to eat and sat on the sofa of his living room, cuddling and kissing until it was time to leave and go get the cab.

Now already at the airport, Yuta just couldn’t let his boyfriend go. He was literally hugging him with his life, like he was holding the entire planet in his arms. — And technically he was, because _Doyoung was his world_. But yeah, he needed to let him go. Although he said Yuta figuratively was _his_ _life_ , he actually had to go back to his _real_ _life_ , with his house, his friends and his job. Both of them cried like babies when they were having their — temporary — farewell, acting like Yuta wouldn’t literally be taking a plane by the beginning of the week next to go visit San Diego. 

— Call me when you get there, no matter what time it is.

— Even if it is three in the morning?

 _— Even if it is three in the morning_.

— I love you, baby.

— I love you too, darling.

When Doyoung got on the plane he thought about what they were going to do if they ever planned to get married, he wondered if Yuta would agree to leave everything behind and just agree to go live with him in San Diego, he questioned if he himself would leave everything behind and just agree to move to London; with all that overthinking he got worried because he realised he didn’t have an answer for any of those questions and he would definitely freak out about that in normal conditions, but thankfully, he was extremely tired and ended up falling asleep before actually finishing to do that.

California. There he was. Big smile in his lips. Blinding sunlight hitting his face. He was back after four long — amazing — months and literally couldn’t be feeling more refreshed. His face lighted up even more after seeing a wild Dongwoo running to him with open arms and a lot of excitement. Jang Dongwoo was literally a big — ok, not really _that_ big. — baby in the body of an adult. 

— Dude, you’re back! I can’t believe you’re actually back. — He gives him an exaggerated hug. — I missed the smell of your shampoo so much.

— Yeah, missed you too, _mate_.

— What did you just call me?

 **—** Dude?

— No, you said something else, with m.

— Man?

— …That was probably it. — He says, suspicious, not being able to recall what exactly was the thing he just heard from his friend.

Doyoung was back at the place he literally loved the most, he had one of his best friends with him and the day was absolutely beautiful. Everything was just perfect. But then why did he have such a weird feeling inside his chest? Why did it feel like something important was missing? He didn’t think of an answer for that because, now inside of Dongwoo’s car, he was dialling Yuta’s number and that was basically when that strange feeling disappeared, although he wasn’t really aware of that, now busy waiting for the phone to stop ringing and finally be able to listen to his lover’s voice after long 12 hours without him. Doyoung didn’t feel that feeling of emptiness ever since he first met Yuta all those years ago, but now that he actually had him back in his life, he literally couldn’t even remember how that — ironically — felt like. Yuta made him feel so many things, he wasn’t physically or mentally able to even picture himself without being completely happy and in love with him.

When Yuta stepped in San Diego for the first time in his life, his first words were literally “Autumn here is literally hotter than summer in London” and that made Doyoung laugh a lot as he recalled a thought he had after Sunggyu announced his proposal to him more than a year ago. He loved everything about there. But that was mostly because he saw how happy his boyfriend was whenever he would show him a place, a type of food or a random pet in the streets. He loved there because San Diego was responsible for making the love of his life happy. He was quietly staring at the window of Doyoung’s house, clearly thoughtful, when his boyfriend back-hugged him. 

— Care to tell me what’s on your mind, baby?

— I just have this weird feeling here. — He puts his hand on his chest. — I think I just miss London… It’s stupid, but… 

— It’s not stupid. — He kisses the back of his head. — I felt just like that when I arrived in England, probably because I felt absolutely _gutted_ , but mostly because it was weird to be far from this place for the first time in my life.

 _— Gutted?_ — He grins. — Someone is using non-american words, I see.

— Shut up, just pretend you didn’t hear me say that because it’s absolutely all your fault. — Yuta laughs.

— Then tell me how do I get over this.

— You don’t. — Yuta looks at him confused. — But you don’t remember that when you have something to distract you.

— Like I have _you_.

— Like you will _always_ have me.

Unfortunately, he only stayed for three days, — he still had a company to run, after all. — but he was partially okay with that because he knew that by the end of the month he would be able to see him again. _Best birthday present ever_. And by the end of October, there he was. Back in London. This time with a genuine smile covering his face. He still didn’t like there, but he simply was not capable of hating a place his lover was in. On that day he was welcomed at the airport with the sweetest kiss ever and a very loud Ten shamelessly cheering for them, catching the attention of literally every single person passing by. Doyoung, in fact, let Yuta think he was his birthday gift until the day actually came and he handed him his real present — earrings with blue details, because Yuta was now into that kind of accessory and because he wanted to make sure he would always remember who gave that to him, thanks to the specific color. Apparently, Sicheng was feeling sick so he couldn’t be with them for those days Doyoung was staying, “It’s okay, you know I will be coming back next month, anyway”, it’s what he told Ten after he sadly gave him the news.

He did come back just two weeks after that, but Sicheng still wasn’t feeling well and now he was starting to get worried, but Ten kelt reassuring him that his boyfriend was almost at his best, probably just got bad luck and a very strong flu. But two weeks later, when Yuta went back to San Diego, he told him Sicheng got worse and was now at a hospital so the mood for those days he was around wasn’t really the best. They were both too worried to actually feel happy to be able to finally have each other. And that was basically their routine, seeing each other for three days every two weeks. Six days in a month. By the beginning of December, Yuta was supposed to be the one visiting during the firsts weeks of the month, — they agreed Christmas in London would probably be a better choice than Christmas in California so Doyoung would be the one by the end of the month. — but after a very long phone call, they decided he should probably stay there with his friend since he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about him if he actually took that plane.

— It’s just… not fair. — Doyoung complains on the phone.

— Yuta not coming? — Sunggyu questions.

— Yeah, and Sicheng being sick for so long, not being able to even get up from his bed. And how even if he was okay and my boyfriend actually came to visit me, it still wouldn’t be fair.

— Why not?

— It’s not fair that I would only get to see the love of my life for seventy two days.

— I’m sorry?

— Six days every month. That’s not even three months! That’s barely two!

— Doyoung… I hate to be that person, but…

— Go ahead, I need to hear that from an actual person and not just the annoying voice inside my head.

— I know it’s rough, but I’m gonna be honest with you… from now on the road will only get even harder. You might be feeling lost, but believe me, the only thing that will ever be capable to make both of you endure this situation is the love you feel for each other so… just try to hold on to that and you will _probably_ be okay.

 _Probably_. Things would _probably_ be fine. There wasn’t any certainty it would all actually be okay. But he tried his best to not think about those things. He tried his best to once again ignore all the questions he still had inside his head, just like when he first flew back to San Diego months ago. He trusted his love for Yuta and he trusted his love for him because that should be more than enough. _He didn’t need a certainty, he only needed Yuta, like he always did and always would._

— Baby, I don’t think I should go for Christmas.

— Oh… okay. — He seemed sad and that broke Doyoung’s heart. — Can you tell me why?

— Because I’m pretty sure none of you guys are excited to celebrate something considering… Sicheng’s situation.

— You’re… actually right. I didn’t even think about that and now I’m feeling awful.

— You’re not awful, don’t blame yourself for not thinking of that first.

— He’s getting better, though… at least that is what Ten told me, he’s practically living at that hospital now.

— Is Dejun making you company? Because I know you’re just like me and you tend to isolate yourself when you’re down. That’s not healthy, you have to go outside even if it’s a shitty rainy day… God, what am I even saying? It’s always a shitty rainy day there. — He hears his boyfriend laughing.

— Dejun is busy… he’s all the way back in China so… yeah, this time I’m alone and it wasn’t really my own choice.

— Oh, baby…

— I miss you.

_— I miss you too. So. Fucking. Much._

— You know that if you… if you ask me I’ll just go there and be with you, right?

— You mean for Christmas? You don’t have to, love, now that I know you’re alone I’m already buying my plane ticket to you.

— I’m not talking about just… Christmas.. _You just have to ask,_ you know I can’t say no to you…

Doyoung takes a deep breath. Yuta was literally telling him he was willing to leave everything behind just to be with him. That literally shut _all_ the questions that had been torturing him for those past weeks. And the Kim Doyoung from five years ago would ask him to do that without even having to think twice. _But he wasn’t that Kim Doyoung anymore_. During those past months he understood a lot of things and one of those was the fact he would rather to see the person he loved the most in the entire world happy without him than just… being with him. Doyoung wasn’t selfish anymore, _he loved Yuta too much to even consider being like that_. He would never dare to ask him to give up on so much fully knowing he would do it as soon as he heard his request. This Doyoung couldn’t even bear the thought of doing something like that because it literally meant taking happiness away from Yuta.

 _— I can’t do that and you know it._ — He sighs. — I might be selfish, but you are and will _always_ be my priority, baby. I refuse to take so much from you… I refuse to be the one responsible for taking everything you love and makes you happy away.

— But I love you, Doyoung. — His voice sounded weak. — You’re my definition of happiness.

— And so are your friends, stupid London, your job… How could I take that away from you, baby? You can have it all and still have me, I promise you I won’t go anywhere that does not lead me to _you_.

— But… — Yuta was definitely crying. — I’m just _so_ tired… and I miss you so bad, my chest hurts so much, Doyoung… What are we even going to do if distance becomes too much?

— We’re gonna have to hold onto our love for each other, Yuta. That’s the only thing I’m sure we could ever trust. 

— Do you really think we can do this?

_— We survived five years apart of each other. — He hums, like he wasn’t just telling that to his boyfriend, but also to himself. — I think we might just get away with it._

Christmas went relatively well and definitely overly emotive, since both of them hadn’t seen each other for nearly a month, — plus that certain phone call definitely managed to shake their feelings a lot. — and because Sicheng finally got sent home a day before that. In February, Yuta went to San Diego so they could celebrate Doyoung’s birthday together, his gift for him was an autographed Agatha Christie’s book — he mentioned it _once_ to Yuta back in high school that she was his favorite author. — and Doyoung didn’t know he would ever be capable of crying that much just because of a birthday gift. Things kept going at a normal pace until the end of June, when they had a stupid fight about something Doyoung said without much thinking that ended up hurting Yuta more than it should; but a few days after that he flew to London without telling his even boyfriend and told him he was there to apologise. 

As the months passed by small fights were becoming more constant, but nothing really worthy of getting worried about, after all, most of those were caused by the fact they did tell each other everything, or in another words, they would always prioritise honesty, which means a lot in a relationship; and whenever they had a huge fight, the one who started it would always fly to the other after he made sure his head was clear — they never agreed with that, but it kind of became a silent rule between them. In December of that year Yuta decided to fly to San Diego for Christmas since Doyoung went to him last time; but Dejun didn’t like that at all — he officially moved back to China and made sure to tell his friends in advance the fact he was going to visit them during that holiday. — and that eventually made the two of them fight, which didn’t affect Doyoung directly, but it got Yuta stressed and he was the one who had to deal with that.

In January, Yuta was supposed to go visit Doyoung again by the end of the month, but seven days before his flight Dejun once again announced he would be “ _coincidentally_ ” stopping by in the same day he was supposed to leave, later provoking him, saying that even though they were best friends he would never choose him over Doyoung, which obviously got him pissed, made him cancel his flight and have a very long fight on the phone with his boyfriend. Later, Ten and Sicheng scolded Dejun for throwing a wobbly and after a lot of thinking he ended up apologising not only to Yuta, but to Doyoung as well — and although he said it was okay, he didn’t really mean it, which just led them to the beginning of _hell_. 

Yuta couldn’t spend Doyoung’s birthday with him that year because he had a really important meeting on the day after and he would just never be back in time, which his boyfriend completely understood, after all, he knew how important that was to him, but he couldn’t stop himself from actually feeling hurt and, for the first time in his life, he decided it was better to keep that from Yuta because it was something silly and small he probably would forget about just in a few days. In May they were both on the verge of their nerves, stressed with work, people and even themselves. The thing about hiding how he felt hurt with that silly little thing never got him an actual apology from Yuta, — which was completely understandable since he had no idea about any of that. — so it started as a small and harmless snowball, but it slowly became a deadly avalanche. They were fighting again. Yuta texted his boyfriend on that specific day telling him he wasn’t going to book a flight to San Diego that month because he felt too tired and that if Doyoung wanted to see him, he should _simply_ go to London visit him. But it wasn’t really _that_ simple.

— I understand you’re tired, Yuta, I really do, but fuck, don’t tell me it’s simple. It’s not simple, it’s not because I miss you that I’m gonna automatically but a plane ticket to London.

— Why not, Doyoung?

— Because you’re not the only one tired.

— So now this is my fault?

— I never said that. See? This is what I mean when I tell you that you keep distorting my words.

— I’m not distorting anything, _darling_. — He says in an ironic tone. — It was clearly implied.

— I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.

— When I’m like what?

_Doyoung sighs._

— I literally went to London at the beginning of the month, Yuta.

— I didn’t ask you to come, you did it because you wanted to. — He says, probably more aggressively than he should. — And honestly? If you’re only coming so later when I don’t feel good enough to catch a fucking twelve hours long flight you can rub it on my face, then I’d rather if you didn’t come at all.

— Fine, if that’s what you want then I won’t. — He hangs up.

Yuta throws his phone on the bed as he realises the call was ended. At that point, he wasn’t so sure anymore if, just like Doyoung said, they could get away with it.

— How am I supposed to deal with this, Dongwoo? Just… — He was sobbing, but his voice had anger on it. — Just tell me how am I supposed to endure this shit.

— You want me to be honest with you or you’re planning to curse at me?

— I need someone to curse since he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

— I will just… — Dongwoo sighs over the phone. — be honest with you and try to remind myself you wont really mean it when you start to scream at me.

— Please.

— That’s exactly the kind of shit you signed up for, man. I am pretty sure you were already aware of that when you agreed to do this. — He pauses for a few seconds. — When you decided to date him you knew there was a freaking ocean separating you both.

Dongwoo was right. He was always right. But Doyoung hated the truth more than anything. Hell had a different meaning for him now if compared to the definition he gave to that during high school. Hell was all of that, that entire situation, the endless fights, the unstoppable frustrations, the constant tears. Now he had the answer for the question he asked himself after Jaehyun ruined his reputation back in school: Not feeling anything was one thousand times better than feeling like that, like literal shit. And for the days that followed that specific one, he wondered with himself if he should’ve really ditched his afternoon classes all those years ago. But when he received a call from his boyfriend around two weeks after that fight, he finally got his _answer_.

— We were crazy to think this could work. — Yuta says, frustrated. 

— I know. — He loudly sighs. — How the fuck did we think it was a good idea to jump in the fucking ocean that separates us?

— Passion does that to people. — He was speaking in a monotonous tone, but it was clear how tired he was. — It makes us stupid.

— It surely does, because that’s exactly how I feel right now.

— Doyoung.

— Yeah?

— I think we should have a break.

— I think so too, Yuta.

— Ok. — He was the one sighing now. — I’m glad we can still agree with something.

— Quite surprising, isn’t it?

— Yeah. — He gives a pause, carefully choosing his next words, breathing heavily. — I’m gonna hang up now, but… just don’t vanish, ok? And don’t isolate yourself because I will literally convince Sunggyu to redecorate his entire house again.

— Okay. — Doyoung smiles.

— You know how I get worried so… at least text me once a day letting me know you’re alive?

— Will do that.

— Alright… bye Doyoung.

— Goodbye, Yuta.

Doyoung promised he would text to let him know he was still breathing. Yuta literally heard him confirming that loud and clear, but it had been three days since their call and he got a total of zero texts. He was worried sick. It was around 9PM when he decided to text Sunggyu and ask him if he heard anything about his boyfriend in those past days, then finding himself being obligated to explain the entire situation to him, who didn’t say anything other than “ _I’m gonna go there and I’ll let you know_ ” and half an hour later he finally gets a call from him.

— Is he okay? 

**—** I don’t know. — His voice sounded weird.

— What do you mean you don’t know?

_— He’s gone._

— What?

— He’s not here. _Everything_ is here but not him.

— Maybe he just went for a walk? Maybe he went to New York?

— Yuta, you don’t understand. 

— Then explain to me.

 _— Everything is here_. His clothes, his suitcases, his phone. — His voice was shaky. — You know how he has a calendar near his computer and he marks an X on the past day every morning. Today is 28 and his last X was on 25. _He’s gone_. 

Yuta doesn’t know what to say so he immediately hangs up and throws his phone beside him. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know where he should look for Doyoung. He didn’t even know if he was fine. He starts to freak out and with his eyes already filled with tears, he takes his phone again, ready to buy a plane ticket to San Diego. Fuck the big presentation he had next day. _Doyoung was the priority and he would always be_. He was finishing to type his destination on the website, when he hears the sound of his doorbell ringing. He knew it couldn’t be Doyoung because Sunggyu literally told him _everything_ — but him. — was there, but he still had a tiny spark of hope inside of him. As he opens the door, he does find his boyfriend standing there at 10PM of a Wednesday night, completely soaked, — It was raining a lot and it was pretty cold on that day. — holding a _closed_ umbrella. Yuta doesn’t think twice before hugging him.

— Doyoung, what the fuck happened to you? Where have you been? You can’t just disappear like that, I was so fucking worried about you. 

— I was at the airport.

— What?

— I got my head clear after our fight, so I went to the airport and I was there waiting for a flight that would take me here.

— You can’t just do that, Doyoung. — He pulls him inside. — Fuck, couldn’t you at least tell someone where you were?

— I didn’t know they wouldn’t have a flight for the same day I went there.

— When did you even get here?

— A few hours ago.

— Doyoung, even if you actually warned someone, you know you shouldn’t have come.

— Why? My head is clear.

— Because we are on a break. — He says, helping him get rid of his wet coat. — And you know you can’t just come here, kiss me and pretend we’re gonna be okay. You said it yourself, there’s an ocean keeping us apart, we don’t have a future like that.

— We _were_ on a break.

— You know that’s not how it works.

— We _do_ have a future.

— I also wish we could make this work, darling. — His voice was sad. — I swear to you.

_— I’m here to stay._

— What?

_— They say home is where the heart is. — He kneels, taking a black box from inside his pocket. — And mine is right here, in fucking England._

— Doyoung… You can’t do that. You have a job, you have your friends…

— An architect can find a job anywhere and my friends will always be there. In fact, I’d rather to fly to them than to you, because with you I want to be for every single day of my life. I want to marry you, Yuta. You are literally the love of my life, I have never tried to hide this from you. — He opens the box, showing him an engagement ring. — God, I had an umbrella with me and I didn’t open it because the bloody rain reminded me of you. And I don’t care if to keep you I’m going to have to act like I was never bothered by the steering wheel of the cars being in the ‘wrong side’ of it, or by this rum accent, or if I have to change coffee to tea, “I love you” to “I fancy you” and “baby” to “darling”; I learned how to love all of these things because now whenever I think about them, it brings me to you. The only fucking thing that matters and will ever matter is you.

Yuta’s answer to that was pretty obvious. He never doubted of their love for a second, it was just too hard to endure loving so much and cruelly having to be apart from each other like that. What was really making him worn out was the fact it physically caused him pain not being able to do anything for them, because Doyoung was right, London, his job and friends made him happy, but would it make any sense to have all of those things by his side, but not having the one who taught him what happiness first felt like? Even though most of things about his lover were _blue_ , every time Yuta would look at him, he only could see _red_ and _gold_. For Yuta, Doyoung was _happiness._

Doyoung was in love. _In love with a London boy_. He never thought one day he would actually meet someone that would make him lose his mind like that, but Yuta was just something else. Ever since they first met, he simply didn’t want to think or look at anything else that wasn’t him. Doyoung started to hate everything about England because it took Yuta away from him and now, just like a magic trick, Yuta managed to turn all of that _hate_ in _love_. It had always been like that, every single thing about him absolutely screamed _delightful_ , it was merely impossible to even consider associating him with something different than that and Doyoung made sure every little thing about his lover would be just as loved as he was. For Doyoung, Yuta was _home._

  
  
  


_“I wanna be defined by the things that I love, not the things I hate, not the things I’m afraid of or the things that haunt me in the middle of the night. I just think that… you are what you love.”_


End file.
